Sunday, December 19, 2010

A Sleepless Night

I can't turn my brain off tonight. It's almost one in the morning and I just can't sleep. My thoughts are all over the place and they won't keep still long enough for me to fall asleep. With each thought comes an exhale. I feel a ton of sadness, confusion, and just plain anger all at once and these emotions are keeping my rest hostage. All this and not to mention South Korea has just begun their military drills and basically taunting North Korea... my mind is not at peace.

I miss love. Don't get me wrong. I have a son and I LOVE him and he LOVES me. I miss that other love. The love that holds me at night. The loves that kisses me. I miss the love that used to love me. The love that loved my love. The greatness and future of that love. The love that made me a better person. The love that made me feel safe in this crazy world. My love misses its love partner and I feel its loneliness everyday. My love needs more than my own love to get by. It's like trying to bake a cake and the only available ingredients are flour and water. My love needs more to be complete.

Why is love avoiding me? Everyone else has it, what about me? Don't I deserve to have it too? Is love sex? I ask because it seems as if everyone wants sex but seperate from love. Don't you understand that they go hand in hand? Sigh. These questions won't be answered tonight so I might as well take another stab at this sleep. Maybe the Lord will comfort me in a dream... maybe.

Nitey-nite
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2 comments:

  1. SassJanuary 18, 2011 at 12:36 PM

    There's just something about the late night hours that cause our minds and hearts to be so open, so transparent and so honest. It's at those times that we feel and think the thoughts and feelings we fear and avoid in the light of day. It is at those times that we undoubebly face those things we normally don't allow, the "taboo" subjects. We visit our wounds and nurse our hurts only to be left with gaping soars, the more raw and the more painful.
    Why is this true about the night?
    Thieves steal under the dark of night;
    Stars shine brightly when covored in a blanket of black,
    In the midght hours,
    Lovers feast on each other and become one, Inhibitions vanish,
    Pretenses disapear,
    There is only truth.

    Just Truth...and that is why I lie awake at night.

    Now about love, girl, that kind of LOVE comes once in a lifetime...or so it seems!

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  2. iaskwhyJanuary 18, 2011 at 1:01 PM

    So true, Sass... and so real. It's not enough to walk around in the daytime with millions of thought going through my mind AS I go about my daily activities. Those thought and more have to haunt me at night and it's not fair. That's why I find myself in certain situations and places I need not be, especially at night... just to avoid the relentless thoughts that torture me.

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