goodbyes

I don't like goodbyes but sometimes they're necessary. When someone dies, you say goodbye forever. . . at least until that great gettin up morning. When you send your child off to school, you say goodbye for the day. . . and welcome them home in the evening. When you're on the phone with a friend, you say goodbye to end the call. . . only to end up talking to them again an hour or so later. Some goodbyes result in temporary separation. Others, permanent. . . And those are the ones I find very hard to deal with.

Other than for death, permanent goodbyes usually come with a change of heart. In this case I didn't really have a change of heart, per say... I had a change of mindframe. I had to be completely honest with myself and see things for exactly what they were instead of what I wanted them to be and say goodbye. It was for my own good. I had to look reality in the face, with the help of what was obvious, and decide to say goodbye. And I did. No regrets.

I've learned quite a few things about myself throughout this situation and there is still more of me that I need some wisdom with. All in all, I have my self-respect back. . . and will never, EVER, let her go again. For me, goodbyes for any reason are difficult. Some more painful than others. Although this goodbye was painful, it was also inevitable. A necessary goodbye. A permanent seperation.

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A Sleepless Night

I can't turn my brain off tonight. It's almost one in the morning and I just can't sleep. My thoughts are all over the place and they won't keep still long enough for me to fall asleep. With each thought comes an exhale. I feel a ton of sadness, confusion, and just plain anger all at once and these emotions are keeping my rest hostage. All this and not to mention South Korea has just begun their military drills and basically taunting North Korea... my mind is not at peace.

I miss love. Don't get me wrong. I have a son and I LOVE him and he LOVES me. I miss that other love. The love that holds me at night. The loves that kisses me. I miss the love that used to love me. The love that loved my love. The greatness and future of that love. The love that made me a better person. The love that made me feel safe in this crazy world. My love misses its love partner and I feel its loneliness everyday. My love needs more than my own love to get by. It's like trying to bake a cake and the only available ingredients are flour and water. My love needs more to be complete.

Why is love avoiding me? Everyone else has it, what about me? Don't I deserve to have it too? Is love sex? I ask because it seems as if everyone wants sex but seperate from love. Don't you understand that they go hand in hand? Sigh. These questions won't be answered tonight so I might as well take another stab at this sleep. Maybe the Lord will comfort me in a dream... maybe.

Nitey-nite

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All about "I"

I was child-less this weekend. I had some time to myself. I was able to wake up when I wanted to instead of when my son wanted me to be up. I watched music videos and even ordered (and watched) a movie on demand. I got a mani/pedi. I was even able to leave the house to hang with a couple of girlfriends. I didnt cook. I didnt job hunt. I didn't google my weekend away searching for new ways to help my son with schoolwork and health tips. I was relaxed. I was quiet. I was happy. I was sad. I was numb. I was in deep thought. I was truthful with myself. I laughed hard while watching a comedy show. I cried when I felt lonely. I took a nice walk through the park with a girlfriend. I had too much chocolate. I missed two people. I reached out to someone and got no response. I decided to go back to school in the Spring. I asked God to send a companion. I felt jealous. I felt fat. I felt pretty. I missed my mom. I spoke to my dad. I watched a portion of the Giants/Eagles game. I updated my status. I had some spaghetti. I had some pizza. I had some chips. I picked my son up from my aunt's house. I blogged. I blogged.

Yeah... that pretty much sums it up.

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My new blog, kinda.

Well, I forgot the password to the other blog... smh. Anyway... it's late and I'm going to bed soon. I just wanted to jot something down real quick to get back into the swing of blogging since it's been so damn long. Blogger-Droid rules!

I wanted to share this thought that popped into my head earlier this evening. There's so much on my mind right now and I'm just trying to make sense of my life and create a couple of plans for my future. I dedicated today to the "matters of the heart" that presently boggles my mind and I had somewhat of an epiphany. Although it makes sense and should be followed, it doesn't feel good. I guess this feeling will eventually subside and I'll be able move on sans regret. In the meantime, I'll use this quote as a daily mantra to remind me of the truth of my situation...

"When you give your heart and body to someone you know doesn't deserve it, you deserve everything that person gives back to you." ~Me~

And on that note. . . Nitey-nite.

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