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Sunday, May 1, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
great quote
Sunday, February 6, 2011
i cant admit
... that i love you, although you already know because ive told you. I'm realizing that the love that ive told you about and the love you know about is different from the love that i can't admit to having. Its a weird feeling to have to love someone to a limit. Like, how do you limit love? And what do i do with the rest of it? You've told me time and time again that you love me and that your love for me has no limits... but it does.
I can't admit... to wanting to be in your arms at night. Although i have, its still said with limitations. I can't cry about it. That extension of love cant be expressed because, well, it just can't. I can't admit... to feeling like a step-child sometimes when you arent around, or when you're enjoying limitless love with someone else, or when i do things alone but would rather be doing them with you. I just can't admit that. I can't admit to having mixed feelings about this. About you. About us. I can't admit not really knowing where my feelings stand with you. I can't admit to sometimes wanting what i don't want... it just doesn't make sense. I can't admit to the jealousy i feel at times, especially as of late... i just cant admit it. So, i smile. I smile the smile you love to see. The smile that 'brightens your day'. The smile that masks the frown caused by giving limited love.
Although i have these mixed emotions, i am genuinely concerned about everything going on. I care very deeply for those you love limitlessly and would never want them uncomfortable around me. Especially since they are aware of the love you have for me and have admitted their own jealousy of what we have. I love that you love me and that you make it a point to let me know and feel that. I enjoy our closeness, our friendship, our unique 'thing'. Hmmm. The limiteless love that i have for you can only be shown by cooking your favorite meals, accepting my place in your life, accepting your love for what it is, and making the best of it. I can't admit to never wanting any of this in the first place and never wanting it to go away. I can't admit... i just can't. Its a beautiful sadness.
I can't admit... to wanting to be in your arms at night. Although i have, its still said with limitations. I can't cry about it. That extension of love cant be expressed because, well, it just can't. I can't admit... to feeling like a step-child sometimes when you arent around, or when you're enjoying limitless love with someone else, or when i do things alone but would rather be doing them with you. I just can't admit that. I can't admit to having mixed feelings about this. About you. About us. I can't admit not really knowing where my feelings stand with you. I can't admit to sometimes wanting what i don't want... it just doesn't make sense. I can't admit to the jealousy i feel at times, especially as of late... i just cant admit it. So, i smile. I smile the smile you love to see. The smile that 'brightens your day'. The smile that masks the frown caused by giving limited love.
Although i have these mixed emotions, i am genuinely concerned about everything going on. I care very deeply for those you love limitlessly and would never want them uncomfortable around me. Especially since they are aware of the love you have for me and have admitted their own jealousy of what we have. I love that you love me and that you make it a point to let me know and feel that. I enjoy our closeness, our friendship, our unique 'thing'. Hmmm. The limiteless love that i have for you can only be shown by cooking your favorite meals, accepting my place in your life, accepting your love for what it is, and making the best of it. I can't admit to never wanting any of this in the first place and never wanting it to go away. I can't admit... i just can't. Its a beautiful sadness.
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Saturday, February 5, 2011
Can my radio get any louder right now?!?!
So, I'm blasting (not really) this new joint from MJB and Diddy and awwwwwww man... this joint is hot! Mary always says what I'm feeling but can't think to say or just don't have the courage to admit. Music is my life!
Anyway, enjoy the song.
Anyway, enjoy the song.
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Friday, February 4, 2011
Shawn's wedding
Everyone who knows me, even just a little, knows that I LOVE Boyz II Men. Everyone also knows that my favorite member of the group is Shawn Stockman. Well, I found a story about his wedding to long-time best friend, Sharonda on youtube and I wanted to share.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
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Love Hurts - Ralph Tresvant
One of my absolute favorite songs by Ralph Tresvant.
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Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Psalm 91
Im gonna go back to reading this passage everyday.
http://mobile.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2091&version=KJV
http://mobile.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2091&version=KJV
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Sunday, January 30, 2011
where am i
I've finally figured out how to explain where i am in life right now. In numbers, 0 is the lowest number... right? Well, its the lowest before you get into the negatives... then its a turning point. You can basically start from 0 and move in a positive way or you can start from 0 and move in a negative way. I say all that to say... in the numbers world, i place |||||||*||||||||||||||||||||0|||||||||||||||||||||||||||
... and it's the lowest point in life that i've ever felt.
Looking at Zero. That is all...
... and it's the lowest point in life that i've ever felt.
Looking at Zero. That is all...
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Tuesday, January 25, 2011
i am unhappy because...
... nothing is happening in my life. Where i am right now in life is definitely not where i pictured myself to be. Not even anywhere close to where i wanted to be. Im so far away from where i wanted to be that i think i pictured the life ive wanted to live for someone else. Isnt that crazy? Whats even crazier is that i cant seem to do anything about it right now. Its always a situation of 'if it aint one thing, its another' and i just cant over some of these situations without the help of another situation. I dont have the parental guidance and sponsorship and man oh man, that would be such a great help right about now. If the problems in my life werent enough, my son has issues that might make his life experience hard as well. See, he was born 16 weeks premature. Wasnt even supposed to live but he made it. Hes an exceptionally string child. His father says he was made of steel. Having gone through so much already, i just want life to be easier for him. Although hes a brilliant child... reading, writing, drawing... he may be on the autism spectrum. And i can be really honest, as much as i wish this wasnt true, i think its true... and it makes me so sad. His father welcomes any diagnosis, believing that our child would be better understood once we know what we're dealing with. I just wish there wasnt a diagnosis to have.
It makes me sad that im not working and havent been working in over two years. I cant afford to put my son in different activities and its hurting him, which is hurting me. The child has soooo much energy and cannot be bored. He loves to play soccer and i would lovvvve to have him in some type of after-schol activity that would interest him and help burn up some of that energy. I try my best to keep him busy but that in turn wears me out!
I think about the good in my son's situation and i can be grateful that hes not where he couldve and shouldve been. He shouldve been wheelchair bound since drs said he might not be able to walk. He shouldve been blind since he suffered from ROP and had to have laser eye surgery (by which it took him two days to wake up from that surgery). He shouldve had a bone deficiency since drs thought he was going to develop rickets. He shouldve a digestive issue since a nurse over-fed him one day and he couldnt stop throwing up (mind you, i told her that he already was fed but who am i, right? The boy threw up for days and they thought he had some intestinal issue. Smh). He shouldve died at birth and so many times during his stay in the nicu. Imagine watching your child stop breathing and turn gray... yeah, it wasnt cool. But thaank God, hes has none of those and is very much alive. Thank God! He came home on his due date without oxygen and any medications. If thats not God, it dont know what is.
Ok, i'll count his blessings and be happy. I just need more strength and patience to deal with his issues.
Im single... seven years strong! Go me! What the hell?!?! I mean, c'mon. Who stays single for seven years? Year, i have a four year old, but he wasnt conceived from a relationship. It was more of a situation of convenience. I'll explain in a later blog. Everyone i know is in a relationship. Whether theyre happy or not, everyone seems to be paired up. What about me? i dont get it. I just dont get it. What makes it worse is that i think everyone is used to me being single, including me. Thats not a good feeling. It makes me sad. I would love to be in a relationship with a nice man who fits at least 90% (lol) of my preferences. Why the hell not? I want to find my soulmate and add him to my family (me and my son). We're a great package, lol, but we need that one piece. I would love to have more children (God willing no more preemies). I look at pregnant women and cant help but envy then for being able to carry a child for nine months. I look at their big bellies and wish i couldve experienced that. I wish i couldve felt that life move around inside of me. I wish my belly button couldve stuck out like theirs, lol. I wish i couldve been uncomfortable when a baby would put pressure on my bladder like i always hear many pregnant women complain about. I wish people would put their hands on my stomach and talk to the baby. I wish i couldve had the typical baby shower and souvenirs to hand out. I wish i couldve had someone cater to my cravings and rub my feet. I wish i wasnt alone when i was pregnant. It didnt feel good to be alone. No one to talk to. I wish i showed. I wish i couldve worn maternity clothes. I wish i couldve had the 3d sonogram of the baby. I wish couldve experienced what everyone else has expreienced during pregnancy (except for the nausea... i didnt have any of that and i'll forever be grateful, lol).
Ok, this blog is going somewhere i didnt really plan for it to be but hey, these things dont make me happy. Unfortunately, there is so much more to add to this list. Not today, though... gotta go back to job hunting, and googling information for my son, and thinking.
Thanks for listening. (Reading)
It makes me sad that im not working and havent been working in over two years. I cant afford to put my son in different activities and its hurting him, which is hurting me. The child has soooo much energy and cannot be bored. He loves to play soccer and i would lovvvve to have him in some type of after-schol activity that would interest him and help burn up some of that energy. I try my best to keep him busy but that in turn wears me out!
I think about the good in my son's situation and i can be grateful that hes not where he couldve and shouldve been. He shouldve been wheelchair bound since drs said he might not be able to walk. He shouldve been blind since he suffered from ROP and had to have laser eye surgery (by which it took him two days to wake up from that surgery). He shouldve had a bone deficiency since drs thought he was going to develop rickets. He shouldve a digestive issue since a nurse over-fed him one day and he couldnt stop throwing up (mind you, i told her that he already was fed but who am i, right? The boy threw up for days and they thought he had some intestinal issue. Smh). He shouldve died at birth and so many times during his stay in the nicu. Imagine watching your child stop breathing and turn gray... yeah, it wasnt cool. But thaank God, hes has none of those and is very much alive. Thank God! He came home on his due date without oxygen and any medications. If thats not God, it dont know what is.
Ok, i'll count his blessings and be happy. I just need more strength and patience to deal with his issues.
Im single... seven years strong! Go me! What the hell?!?! I mean, c'mon. Who stays single for seven years? Year, i have a four year old, but he wasnt conceived from a relationship. It was more of a situation of convenience. I'll explain in a later blog. Everyone i know is in a relationship. Whether theyre happy or not, everyone seems to be paired up. What about me? i dont get it. I just dont get it. What makes it worse is that i think everyone is used to me being single, including me. Thats not a good feeling. It makes me sad. I would love to be in a relationship with a nice man who fits at least 90% (lol) of my preferences. Why the hell not? I want to find my soulmate and add him to my family (me and my son). We're a great package, lol, but we need that one piece. I would love to have more children (God willing no more preemies). I look at pregnant women and cant help but envy then for being able to carry a child for nine months. I look at their big bellies and wish i couldve experienced that. I wish i couldve felt that life move around inside of me. I wish my belly button couldve stuck out like theirs, lol. I wish i couldve been uncomfortable when a baby would put pressure on my bladder like i always hear many pregnant women complain about. I wish people would put their hands on my stomach and talk to the baby. I wish i couldve had the typical baby shower and souvenirs to hand out. I wish i couldve had someone cater to my cravings and rub my feet. I wish i wasnt alone when i was pregnant. It didnt feel good to be alone. No one to talk to. I wish i showed. I wish i couldve worn maternity clothes. I wish i couldve had the 3d sonogram of the baby. I wish couldve experienced what everyone else has expreienced during pregnancy (except for the nausea... i didnt have any of that and i'll forever be grateful, lol).
Ok, this blog is going somewhere i didnt really plan for it to be but hey, these things dont make me happy. Unfortunately, there is so much more to add to this list. Not today, though... gotta go back to job hunting, and googling information for my son, and thinking.
Thanks for listening. (Reading)
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